EQ: The Role of Feelings in Intelligence

Consider 16-year old Danny. Danny just got his driver's license and is out with his friends celebrating. He promised his mom he would be home by his ten p.m. curfew. It is now 10:30 p.m. and Danny has not called and he is not yet home. His mom is pacing the living room as anger bubbles up inside her with each tick of the clock. Finally, at around 11:45 headlights turn into the driveway. A few seconds later, the door unlocks and Danny sheepishly enters the living room to greet his mother. His mom looks at him, tells him she is glad he is safe, and that they would discuss the issue in the morning. The next day, Danny's mom informs him that he has lost his car privileges for the next month. Danny is livid. He can't believe how unfair and unreasonable his mom is being and he begins to yell. Danny's mom listens calmly and then tells him "I can see that you are angry that you can't drive for a little while and I know this is tough for you honey, but you broke your promise and this is the consequence." At the time, Danny could not comprehend that his actions caused his mother to feel angry, worried, and hurt – all he felt was his overwhelming frustration.

Self-regulation and clear limits are essential to a child's ability to navigate life experiences and learn from mistakes. This development of emotional self-control has come to be called Emotional Intelligence, or EQ. Daniel Goleman, an internationally renowned psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence: Why it can Matter more than IQ has recognized that there is a window of opportunity for teaching children EQ. The neural circuitry that allows us to pay attention, calm ourselves, and attune to others’ feelings all takes shape in the first two decades of life. He relates that this shaping can be left to chance, or it can be taught to children and adolescents as in the example of Danny and his mom. Danny's brain is still growing, so learning to identify feelings (see left) and navigate situations in an "adult" manner with the help of his mom becomes essential. These systematic lessons strengthen Danny's budding brain capacity.